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JOKES//FUNNY PICTURES//FUNNY VIDEOS

Click this image below to play the video (absolutely hilarious.... organised prank at its best)

ULTIMATE BIG BROTHER NADIA

I couldn't believe me eyes when I was watching the final of the Athletics Diamond League and I saw Nadia from Big Brother thrash everyone in the women's hurdles final.  Firstly I thought WTF isn't she supposed to be in the BIG BROTHER house right now.....then my 2nd thought was hang on a minute isn't she a sex change person so is therefore really a dude, Hmmmmmm that's not very fair on the other women.   But then it all became clear it wasn't Nadia running at all it was her double Canadian sprinter Pricilla Lopez-Schiep.

Don't judge me........are you telling me she don't look like Nadia?  My god that girl has got a neck and a half on her....fast tho!!!

COOLIO FROM BIG BROTHER WINS THE PRIZE FOR HAIR STYLE OF THE WEEK.....the REVERSE MOHAWK!

and in 2nd place

Embrace your boldness boys....and go boldly where all slap heads need to go.  To the bloody barbers and use this phrase "number zero all over please"  HAHA!

Little billy catches mummy riding daddy. Billy asks "mummy what are you doing?", mum replies "Daddy's got a big belly so mummy gets on top to try and flatten it down" Billy says "your wasting your time mum cos when your out shopping Mrs Jones from next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up"

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

HOW I LEARNT 2 MIND MY BIZNESS: :( I was walking past a mental hospital & all da patients were shouting 13... 13... 13.. The fence was too high, so I looked thru a hole to see what was going on. Some IDIOT poked me in da eye with a stick then they all started shouting 14...14 14 14!!

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your fanny?" "Piss off, no you can't smell my fanny!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canap?s the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks thefirst girl, 'Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?'She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tipof my finger.'St. Peter says,' Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass throughthe gate.'St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Catherine, have you ever had anycontact with a male organ?'The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one. 'Peter says, 'Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says,'Agatha! What seems to be the rush?'The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her ass in it.'

White guy goes to the docs and says "whaa gwan blud, uve gotta elp me out fam, manz tried yeah but I can't stop acting black, ya get me!" 

Doc puts two lines of powder on the desk and tells the young man to snort it up. 

He does and immediately jumps up and says: "fackin ell geez, that gear sorted me rite owwwt fella, wat was it cocaine". 

The doctor replies no son it was Daz, guaranteed to keep your whites white.

A drunk rasta man was sun bathing on the beach. When a little girl came towards him, so he covered himself with a newspaper. She asked him 'wha yuh ave undah de newspaper"? Thinking quickly, the Rasta said, "A Bird". The girl walked away, the Rastaman fell asleep drunk. When he woke up, he was in hospital in a lot of pain. The police asked him what happened. The Rasta said "Mi noh kno, mi was deya pon de beach, dis likkle gal axe me a question, den mi mussah doze off an next ting me deh ya" The police went to the beach and found the girl, and asked her "what did you do to the naked rastaman?" After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to im, nutten atall". "Me jus a play wid him bird, an it spit pon me". "So, me bruk im neck an cracked im two eggs an set im nest pon fiya".

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot butthole? ' he asked.'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

A chav walks into the job centre and tells the assistant ''Listen darlin. I'm ard workin, reliable, reeespectable I iz desperate to find job init'' The assistant replies "Great we need a chauffeur for a millionaire, it includes banging his gorgeous wife when he's overseas, it pays a grand a week". The chav says "don't lie?'' the assistant replies, "well you started it".

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.' To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

Little Johnny was in Math class when his teacher asked him a question:

Johnny if I gave you two rabbits and then another two rabbits and then another two rabbits. How many rabbits would you have?

"Oh that's easy miss, I would have 7 rabbits"

Now the teacher was a little perplexed by this answer but thought that she'd ask him again. 

Now Johnny I give you TWO rabbits and then another TWO rabbits and then another TWO rabbits. How many rabbits do you have?

"7 miss"

The teacher then thought that maybe it was the thought of rabbits that was confusing Johnny so she decided to ask the same question but this time replacing the rabbits with apple. 

Johnny I give you two apples and then another two apples and then another 2 apples. How many apples have you got? 

"6 miss"

Ok Johnny that's correct. So if I give you two rabbits and another two rabbits and then another two rabbits. How many rabbits have you got Johnny? 

Huffing with contempt Johnny said "SEVEN miss"

Johnny how the hell can you have seven rabbits????

I've already got 1 rabbit at home miss!!!!!!!

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS.""Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient."You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her some money myself!".

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

A little turtle began to climb a tree, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle repeated this, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

An elderly couple are attending church services.About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"  He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable..'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh.. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:  'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!!

When top level guys look down, they see only shit; 
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...